It is by God's grace that i am able to live the eternal life now. God's mercy.
Today i went through a bible study of "Assurance of Forgiveness". I think it is truly a bible study that touched my heart. Last time i confessed to my own leader about me myself being privately hanging out with another person and then privately having a guy friend who has been close to me. How worrying i was at that time, especially the moment i confessed to her. But at least i could talk. At least i could open my mouth. But this time round, definitely God is bringing me to a higher level.. O.o
This time round i am going to confess to my very own leader! For i have said bad about her in front of her leader. T^T Sinful Jennifer here. ;( Never confessed this is her at all. Not willing to say sorry. ;( Confessing to God has been easy. But to the real person herself, not really afterall. But this is a need. God prompted me. Even through the 3 testimonies shared, they all have mentioned abt they themselves and their leader. Be to like-minded with the leader. How do i be even like-minded with my leader if i don't even want to confess my sins towards her?! O.o
Hmm. Definitely another challenge i need to overcome. Helps me to let go of this kind of pride in me. My leader also said that i need to be ready to collapse myself, rather physically, to be weak and vulnerable, so that i can be taught. But i want to also remember to put my faith in God, to keep it strong. Sometimes can be rather upsetting if i confess to someone, but the someone can't forgive me, or say more things about me. But if that's so, i must keep God's promise in heart. Physically, my flesh definitely has to be weak and my mind, so that i can learn to be humble. But if i don't, i am as good as bring disaster upon my own faith. This also surface the need to pray often so that i can learn more about what God wants me to do. Has been years since i go through a Christian life, or rather a bit a bit, here and there.
I see that every time God wants to challenge my faith, but many times i fall.
First is at CHC, backsliding twice, first i think is because of Kenny, BGR, then followed by a cold heart after ending my second BGR. Can be really a disaster to be so immature. Makes me scared of relationships now. Don't even plan to marry at all. I mean don't ever feel like. But anyway i am still young. May God's will in my life be revealed to me.
Then now is with the Navigators. Wow. Not easy. Everytime when the faith is strongest, some challenges pop out to test me. Again, it's a whole bunch coming together.
1. I need to confess to my own leader OPF so that i can feel relieved from this sin.
2. I need to talk to my earthly father to let him know that Jesus is really God. Not that time is just passing, but there is only one God, Jesus, and He is the way, the truth and the light. Wonder why he is been away from God nowadays. ;( Super sad.
3. Encourage my mother's faith in Jesus. She still doing the bible study worksheets, but she don't read God's Word and don't want to read and find out the answers for herself. I need to teach her how to find the bible, but before that, i need to learn about the Chinese bible too.
4. My financial schemes renewal, regarding my family $0 income and my school fees etc. Need to keep contacting social workers and to proof my family status. Haven't even able to reach my father's medical officer yet. Totally clueless how i can contact him to get an MC.
5. Pray for myself. My own thinking and to destroy my pride thoroughly. Takes the pain for me to let go, but i want to let go. So that i can be used by God. Not just saying, but truely. And i need to do many things to change myself into someone better, to be more Christ-like. A LOT A LOT MORE. Spiritual discipline etc.
6. Reach out to friends. So many of my friends i have shared the gospel to, yet i hanged them there. T^T Haix. The souls are precious. But i can't move on if me myself is not ready.
7. My very poor GPA. Don't even know whether this time round will pass all modules or not.
8. Pray that my friends can really understand me, especially the closer ones. Busy for God. Not to boast that i am Christian, so i have a lot of friends, so that i no time for friends who are not fun or non-believers. Not that. Not that i am so mean. It can be really another pain to my heart when i know that friends doesn't really understand me. But guess that is the cost to pay for the walk with God too.
Nothing i can do on my own actually. Nothing. All needs to be done through the grace of God. But now my own spiritual leader and i is stuck. I can't do anything with the heaviest burden in my heart. So need to really confess it first. Then the rest i can then commit to God.
In Jesus' name i will pray.
